Where I Am Now

Alright guys, here we go.

Her words hit home, of course, my mom was all I had left, and I could see clear as day that she had been suffering as much as I had in her own quiet way. She was crying, and I had done this.

“I’m sorry mom.” I was sincere as could be, tears leaking from my own eyes. It was hard to handle. I was still drunk, and I hated myself then, more than I ever had in the last two years.  I still do, but I know that I can do better and I believe in myself because my mom does.

This was only two weeks ago, and it’s opened my eyes to so many thing. My mom and I are working on weaning me off the alcohol a bit while we figure out how to pay for detox. We don’t want me going through withdrawal on my own, we know that it can be fatal if you’re not supervised and not always easy to follow through with.

So I’m headed for rehab in a few weeks, and I’m actually terrified. I know it’s for the best. Mom is right, there is so much more for me out there. I don’t know what of course, I don’t know what is worth living the way baseball was.

I guess I’ll detox and then get to stay at the facility for a few weeks and see where that goes. It’s hard. I’ve been staying at home with mom, and we’ve been spending a lot of time together. More than we have since dad died.

I hadn’t realized that I’d been avoiding mom, but I couldn’t handle her sadness on top of mine. She’s so forgiving so immediately, and I can’t imagine the strength that takes. I was still so angry at my dad for dying, and that wasn’t even his fault. My descent into alcoholism was all me.

Of course, I want to get better for her, but it’s more than I need to get better for myself. I want to get on the straight and narrow, and that’s the most important part.

I’m scared, but I’ll get there. I’ll get sober and see where life takes me.

Wish me luck,